insurgents | OPEN POST.

[He stiffens but doesn't startle, and that tells Pepper he's been laying there, awake in his state of squalor. The reason is obvious, a heavy reality she feels the weight of, but unlike Bruce Pepper has fought through it to avoid letting herself fall. She could crumble. She could shatter down to her very soul, the cracks already in place thanks to her sorrow. But she hadn't even cried when Tony vanished in Afghanistan, no matter how many times people told her he wasn't coming back. Not until he had and her relief made the dam she put up break.

He's not coming back. There's no good reason for the walls to come down this time, so she won't let them. Not for herself, and now not for Bruce. He lays there, a pathetic mess, and demands a reason why he should move at all. It makes Pepper straighten, would have had her huff out a breath except for the smell, and what mercy might have existed fades into stubbornness to match Bruce's depression.]

Because it's the middle of the day, your lab is a mess, and frankly? You reek. JARVIS, open the blinds please.

[The AI complies; with Tony (dead) she has the highest authority. Bright light fills the room; it's a beautiful day outside, because somehow the world has kept spinning even without Tony Stark in it.]

Now get up.

[ What she says only makes Bruce feel bad, just in a completely different way. Here he is, taking up space, making a mess of the whole lab, doing absolutely nothing other than moping around in misery and a disgusting pile of food delivery boxes that are at least days old, if not more in some cases-- and he stinks.

That's one kind of a reality check. The light nearly blinds him when JARVIS does as Pepper says, and he groans a little, for a brief moment curling in on himself even more. But he can't keep lying down like that, not after Pepper's told him all that. It's sad and honestly, while he can handle the depressive state he's in, along with all the negative feelings that come with it, the least he can do is not be a nuisance to everyone else.

He sits up slowly, pushing the blanket down as he sits on the couch, shoulders slumped and his head tipped down. He's pale, his eyes are sunk and his cheeks are a little hollower, not a consequence of not eating so much as pure tiredness and lack of taking care of himself. There's a beard too, looking strange and unkept, just as scruffy and messy as his hair. Just as dirty too, probably.

He rubs his eyes, then his jaw, glancing down at himself and easily seeing just how much of a mess he must look to her right now. His eyes travel up to her face for little more than a fraction of a second, then he clears his throat again. ]

I'm sorry.

[She's ready to fight him. To match whining with willfulness, with reason until he relents and gets off the couch. Pepper expects Bruce to try and struggle, for the hands that have shifted to her hips to be used to pull away the blanket in some ridiculous childlike tug-of-war. Instead with those words and that little effort, Bruce relents, sitting up and looking at her with such sadness it's heartbreaking.

Because that's not what Tony would have done. If he'd gotten lost in one of his projects or partied too hard one night, he wouldn't have just said he was sorry.

She swallows, looking down as that guilty realization hits her. Still, she's started something, so she should finish it. From the looks of him, Bruce needs her to.]

It's okay. [It's not. It's understandable, but he can't let himself get like this. Pepper should have checked in on him sooner. Once she's sure the blanket is free, she picks it up, needing to do something with her hands, quickly folding the cloth into neat thirds, halves, and so on.] You should shower. I'll pick up around here while you're gone.

[ Bruce can be stubborn at times, in things similar to this one too, but right now, he can't bring himself to be. He's too tired to even try, for one, and most importantly, he does feel bad about the state he's in. It's not okay, he knows, which is why Pepper's words ring a little hollow. At the very least he should be somewhere where he won't be a nuisance or a cause of worry or trouble to other people, especially people who are going through difficult times too.

He nods, silent, getting up slowly as he tries and fails to straighten his dirty, crumpled tee. He looks at her again, to see her trying to tidy up the place, and almost tells her not to bother with that, he'll do it himself - but words seem almost difficult to get out, and he has the feeling she would just do it anyway, no matter what he said.

So, he does as told, making his way out of the lab without a word. His walk is unsteady but he somehow manages not to stumble or walk into anything in his path, as he goes all the way to his room nearby. The sound of doors shutting behind him can be heard, and some minutes later, running water.

Considering the mess he's in, she can probably imagine he'll be there a while. ]

[He isn't wrong to think that. After that mistake, she needs the activity, the movement to drive the echo of guilty words out of her mind. She's always been the one to do something, and cleaning up the lab isn't at all an unfamiliar thing. She doesn't need too long to fill up a trash bag, sliding in old containers and half-eaten remains off the counters where they've lingered, to find a place for the coffee cups until she can fill the sink with warm, soapy water.

(Kitchenettes in labs: dangerous for most, necessary when its occupant is a workaholic.)

Somewhere amid all the cleaning, Pepper becomes aware of the silence broken only by the sounds of her own efforts. She's more sensitive to it lately, so she asks JARVIS to play something. Nothing from Tony's personal lists, no love songs. By the time Bruce comes back, the sounds of Vivaldi's Summer resounds through the room, cheerier than she feels, but far less weighty than being in there alone.]

[ He spends a good amount of his time underneath the shower spray, feeling the water run down his body and wondering at what point does it start to feel cleansing. People say it's supposed to, like it washes away worries and concerns, or whatever negative feelings linger on someone's skin.

But those feelings aren't on Bruce's skin. He's starting to realize they've seeped into his very bones by now. He couldn't wash them off if he tried.

Another part of his time in the bathroom is spent in front of the mirror, first studying the beard he's managed to grow over the weeks, and finally taking a razor and some shaving cream to take care of that. Beards never suited him, especially this poorly kept. He washes the remnants of the cream afterwards, brushes his teeth and his hair, until finally the man on the reflection looks almost decent again. There are still bags under his eyes, a pale tiredness he doesn't think he'll get rid of anytime soon, but it's a little better now.

He steps back into the lab wearing a pair of loose jeans and a dark blue sweater, the sleeves longer than his arms in that way that they crumple near his wrists. He recognizes the music easily, one of many he's gotten used to hearing right after he goes back to normal after a transformation, and much like those times, the cheerfulness of it doesn't exactly reach the core of him. It just brushes lightly across the surface. ]

How can I help?

[ She seems to have cleaned a lot already, but he needs to do something too. He can't just let her do everything on her own. ]

[She turns her head when he walks back in, a faint smile gracing her lips to see Bruce looking more himself than the haggard man who had been hiding from the world on an equally worn out couch. That's a good thing, that he can go back to normal at least in terms of appearance. She's not foolish enough to think that such a simple transformation goes past the skin, no more for him than it has for her.

But maybe he feels a little better now.]

Have you slept at all? [She understands so well that desire to do, but Bruce looks absolutely wiped out. And though he isn't Tony, Pepper knows this routine still. He wants to help but she wants to see him well first, to have his body recover from the strain and weariness the heartache has put him through.] I can finish cleaning up, and I promise not to throw away anything that looks like a science experiment.

[Counters, floors, opening the windows to air out the room. Pepper's got her to-do list already in her mind, a quick list of tasks for the woman who needs to stay busy doing tedious chores.]

[ Being clean does feel nice, even if only superficially. He's in fresh clothes too, and now that he doesn't stink, he can recognize how he was badly needing to have that shower and clean up.

And the lab reeks, now that he's stepping back inside after his shower. The air is stale, making him realize just how long he's been holed up in here, breathing in the same air, stacking up take-out boxes with leftovers and bits of food going sour and rotting away. He remembers times when he's lived like this, like a homeless man, though usually out on the street or in abandoned buildings, run-down houses, whatever corner he could find.

How he's managed to let this place get to this point, it's a wonder. But it's definitely something he feels bad about, now. Especially with Pepper cleaning up his mess all by herself. ]

I'm okay, I'm not sleepy. [ He's tired, exhausted, but he has a feeling he'd just roll around in bed and not get any actual sleep done. He walks over to her, more hesitant the closer he gets to where she is, until he stops a few feet away from her. ] Please, Pepper. I need to do something. I'll go rest afterwards, I promise.

[She's on the verge of calling him out on the half-truth, because even if he's not sleepy, Pepper knows from the bags under his eyes and the unsteady way he's moved that he also hasn't been asleep in far too long. Yet the thoughts and worries that plague him, the thoughts that keep him awake aren't going to go away simply because Pepper's ordered him to bed. Her own dark circles would be obvious, except she's had years of practice covering up the signs of sleepness nights with just the right touch of make-up.

She can mask hangovers too. She's learned a lot of useful skills in her time spent at Tony's side.]

I'm going to hold you to that. [But in the end, she knows all too well that drive to do, probably all the stronger after Bruce had been confronted with his own mess.] You can start by opening the windows, and then wipe down the counters or mop the floor. Your choice. [She leaves it implied that she'd take up whatever task Bruce doesn't opt for. He's only going to get to act for so long before she really does push him towards bed.]

[ He breathes out, managing a weak excuse for a smile and nodding at her words. He gets the implication easily, and he knows there would be no point in trying to convince Pepper to let him do both things himself. She's stubborn, often just as Tony is.

... used to be.

He gets the windows open, immediately the fresh air contrasting with the warm staleness inside. Bruce feels like he's taking an actual breath for the first time in days, and it almost hurts. Then he grabs a scrub and detergent and gets to cleaning counters and other surfaces. They're far dirtier than the floor itself, so he'd rather do that and spare Pepper the frank grossness some of them are in. ]

I've always liked this music. [ It's a pointless remark, but he's just trying to fill the strange kind of silence between them right now. And failing a little, but well. ]

[The remark may be pointless but the effort certainly isn't; with the fresh air from outside and Pepper and Bruce now both moving bustling around the lab, someone looking in on them might think this an ordinary afternoon, a matter of course. Yet even as the breeze and the cleaning both do their efforts, relieving the space of less pleasant effects of Bruce's depression, there's still a heaviness within those walls. Pepper certainly feels it, more than she cares to admit, as she fights the instinct that tells her it's not Bruce moving about behind her, but someone else. Someone still and cold in the ground.

So when he speaks those awkward words, she's relieved to hear them. It's not a failing as it draws her mind away from its own thoughts, and Pepper grins over her shoulder at him.] Have you? I don't listen to classical music too often. It usually makes me sleepy if I'm not doing something else.

[She glances down as she makes the confession; for as classy as she is, Pepper's tastes aren't strictly refined. This is simply the safer choice, soft and easy instrumental sounds with no lyrics of longing or love.]

[ The need to fight off the silence is exactly why he speaks, so that what he says out loud, no matter how mundane and inconsequential it might seem, silences the voices in his head, the thoughts that ring far too loud for him to ignore when there's nothing else to focus on. He's just as relieved to hear her voice in response, slowing down his pace as he scrubs some dry stain sticking to one of the counters, his eyes flickering up to meet hers. ]

I know, that's why I like it. It calms me down. Makes me feel more like myself again.

[ She can probably guess in which context with just those few words. She knows well of Bruce's condition, he doesn't need to explain to her why it is so important for him to have things that do that for him.

Right now, in a way, the music is doing that again, too. Giving him back a little bit of himself. It's a very small thing, not nearly enough in the grander scheme of things, but at least he's no longer a shadow of someone weighing on the couch, waiting and hoping to fade or for the ground itself to swallow him whole. ]

[Of course she knows about Bruce's Other Guy, and Tony had mentioned they were trying to condition Bruce to make his transitions in and out of that alternate state easier. Still, she's a little surprised to hear that such music has been a part of it, or that its effect seems to be so profound. Surprised, and glad, especially when it means Bruce actually meets her gaze for the first time.]

I'll make sure to keep that in mind. [And to have JARVIS put together a playlist; she doesn't expect Bruce to leave the lab completely, but maybe having something other than silence and his own thoughts within the space would help prevent a repeat appearance of the man she'd found.

She turns back to the sink briefly, long enough to rinse out the final cup and set it aside to try. With that done, Pepper pulls the stopper from the drain, sparing a moment to wash those last suds off of her hands. Bruce seems to have the counters well in hand, so she turns towards the side closet--then pauses to nod towards the couch.]

Do you mind if I take off these shoes? They may look gorgeous, but they aren't really made for mopping floors.

[ He almost goes on to say that she doesn't have to do that, it's not as if he needs someone else doing this for him - whatever 'this' is. Picking songs, having them play, setting up playlists, anything. But honestly, he finds that he likes the idea a little. Already this little bit with Pepper has done more to lift his spirits than anything he could have thought to do on his own. Probably mostly because he couldn't have gathered the energy or force of will to do it.

So if she ever does come by with carefully picked classical music for him, Bruce really won't complain.

He looks up again at the question, his smile small and tired and almost fake. A mechanical expression, more than anything, and he shakes his head and shrugs. ]

Not at all. Just make yourself comfortable. [ Now and whenever she happens to be here, honestly. ]

[He's trying, but there's still something that makes her heart ache in the way Bruce smiles. Of course his recovery wouldn't be so simple as just getting up and doing some cleaning, but without realizing it Pepper's brought him into something that might have been normal for her only a few weeks before. She moves over to the couch, crossing one leg over the other to undo the straps of her shoes.]

What have you been working on down here, anyway? [If anything at all; Pepper knows that despite all the equipment and technology surrounding them, Bruce may have remained utterly aimless, shifting from one project to the next without the ability to focus on any of them. He needs a purpose, however, something to throw himself into that matter even if only in a small way. Otherwise Pepper would come back down there to find him in the same state--or worse, to not find him at all.

What she'd walked into had bad; if the lab had been empty, she thinks her heart might have actually broken.]

[ It takes him a while to answer her question, mostly because he's trying to figure out what to tell her. He hasn't been doing much at all, just like she suspects, unable or even unwilling to try to focus on anything, not even some pointless or frivolous project just to keep himself occupied. And it's not like the Avengers are getting a lot of missions these days.

Well. At least Bruce isn't. For all he knows, the others are back on the job, and they've just kept Bruce out of the loop out of concern that he wouldn't be a very steady or reliable teammate. Bruce wouldn't fault them, if that were the case; they'd be right.

Still, he looks at her when she poses her question, just so she knows that he heard her. He goes back to scrubbing the counter for a few seconds longer, and when he moves on to another surface, he speaks up. ]

Nothing... actually. [ I just feel useless, he wants to say, but holds back, knowing it wouldn't really help either of them, in this precarious balance between sanity and grief that they seem to have found. ] What about you? What have you been doing?

[The silence stretches on longer than it should for such a simple question, but maybe it isn't as easy a thing to answer as even Pepper might suspect. She'd assumed based on the state of the lab, and Bruce's presence in it, that there has to be some project in the making amongst the mess. But what if that's really all there is, because even the work hadn't been distraction enough from his overwhelming grief? Tony and Bruce had been close collaborators. Maybe being in this lab for him stood as something like being in her own bedroom for Pepper.

Without Tony there to fill up the room, places simply got too quiet. Too empty.

In the end, he admits it to her. Maybe not the whole truth, but he also doesn't hide that new level in the pit where he's fallen. If nothing else, Pepper can be glad for that.]

Working, mostly. It's amazing that multi-billion dollar companies don't take days off. [Although they had on the day of Tony's funeral; Pepper shut down the entire workforce, upper level executive to mailroom intern. All paid, all free to do whatever they wanted except show up at a Stark building expecting to labor. Her advisers called it an emotional, ridiculous move, twenty-four hours of stillness that could sink Stark Industries.

She didn't care. She needed one day, just one, where someone wouldn't look to her for answers when she had been in tears.

Since then, she's been doing her best to fill the gaps, not just for that period of stillness, but for the obvious absence. Could Stark Industries survive without a Stark at the helm, or even behind the scenes? Pepper would make damn sure it did, even if it killed her. Tony trusted her with his legacy, more than anyone.

It's you, he'd said once upon a time. It's always been you..]

Since you are free, I was wondering if I could throw a few things your way. [Her shoes safely set aside, Pepper stands up, business attire and bare feet, neglecting their efforts to pad across the cool floor towards him.] And compensation for working on them, of course. There are some projects where I need a scientific mind to turn concept into reality, as it were.

[ It really isn't a simple question, if anything it's just another reminder of how much of a mess he's let himself get to. How many days has it even been? He realizes just then that he doesn't even know. Could've been weeks or months, he's lost complete track of the days, just like he's lost track of his work, his projects - his entire life.

It's stupid, he knows it. He always knew that something like this could happen, they all did when they agreed to join the Avengers initiative. No mission came free of risk, and there was always the unspoken awareness that any of them could get hit, injured seriously or even killed - and yet, this came as a complete shock to Bruce. As if he'd never even thought it possible that it could happen.

Maybe that's what all this is, this... downwards spiral. Just him, unable to cope and accept what happened, unable to face the reality of it, let alone work through it. ]

Sure. If you think I could help. [ He doesn't even ask what those things are yet. The simple prospect of having something to do at all to begin with, something he can cling to that might stop him from sinking back into the same state Pepper's found him in today, is already good enough. ] I should get busy with something, anyway. I should...

[ He trails off, his voice shaking a little, as he moves a hand to cover his own eyes. He doesn't quite cry, thankfully, but there's an uncomfortable knot that rises up his throat, and he tries to swallow it back down before he speaks again. ] Sorry. Yes, I... just send them over to me. The projects. I'll check them out.

I wouldn't be offering you a job if I didn't have faith in your abilities. [Because that is what Pepper is putting on the table, and she wants Bruce to be undeniably clear on that point. Whether he wants to simply be a consultant or fully brought into the Stark Industries fold, Pepper doesn't care. She needs him to keep Tony's legacy alive, and now it's becoming clear that Bruce needs to be part of it too. So when his voice fades into silence, when he covers his eyes, she closes that distance between them. She knows what he's trying to hold back, because she's needed to keep her own tears unshed a thousand times too.

So she doesn't hug him; if Bruce wants to keep that dam up, Pepper won't risk shattering it. But she also won't let him close in on himself completely, and she reaches for the hand still at his side, slips her fingers easily around his just as a reminder that she is there.

The one over his eyes should stay; it's a shield for them both, because Bruce isn't the only one having to fight back that lump of emotion.]

I think you've done enough with the counters. You promised me you would rest, so go do that. By the time you're up again, your lab will be ready--and I'll have work for you to do.

[ He does understand what she's offering him here, though for the moment he just nods in response. It's something to think about, but right now he doesn't even know what he wants to do, or what he should do. If he could even handle something like that, or if it might even be something absolutely necessary for him to keep going from this point onwards.

For now, he just needs a moment. And now that they've cleaned the place up, he feels exhaustion settling on his shoulders much more heavily than before, as if washing up and actually doing something has made him all the more aware of the poor and weak state he's in.

His hand still covers his eyes, fingers of the other curling around hers, pressing into her palm. It's a small gesture but it's comforting enough, it lets him borrow a little of her strength, though he knows that too is feeble at best. Eventually, with a deep silent breath, he drops his hand from his face, his expression tempered again, his smile small. ]

Thank you. [ Not just for the job offer, but for dropping by, for forcing him out of that precarious state he was in. He might be a long way from alright, but this is a very clear step in the right direction, and that's only because of Pepper. ] I will. I'll go rest now. I'll let you know once I'm up again? We can meet up somewhere.

[Though she can only offer a slight smile through the emotion, her eyes are warm as Bruce offers thanks. They both know he's been perched over a dark abyss, deep and unforgiving, but with this effort and this offer she's helped him step back from it. In that, Bruce has given her something too. The last thing Tony would want is to cause his loved ones any more pain, and it doesn't matter that it goes so far beyond his control, beyond anyone's. If he could somehow see this all take place, then maybe the guilt would loosen its grip on his heart.]

That sounds like a good plan. I'll be upstairs. [And conveniently in the vicinity of the kitchen once JARVIS tells her that Bruce has woken up. In truth she doesn't know how long it might take. Maybe he's finally let go just enough for exhaustion to win the battle, and for sleep to claim him for a time.

Which means there's no way to predict when he might be up, but that's okay. Pepper's used to keeping odd hours.

With a final squeeze, Pepper lets go of Bruce's hand, then steps aside to watch him go.]

[ Bruce doesn't feel any better, to be honest. He doesn't feel well enough yet to notice any difference, and the fact he's shaved or cleaned up hasn't changed much of what he's feeling on the inside. But it'll take time, like a room closed for a little too long needs some time with the windows open to let light and air in.

He's just used to keeping all his rooms closed, is all, and the windows and doors are always stuck. It takes a special kind of forcefulness to pry them open.

There's no answer to her words, just a faint nod as she lets go of his hand, then he starts walking down the hallway towards his room. He probably makes an even more pitiful picture than usual, shoulders drawn in and hunched, arms heavy at his sides, head dropped like he could just fall and dissolve into the floor itself.

But he doesn't. He makes his way to his bed and falls onto the mattress, lying awake for minutes or maybe hours until finally exhaustion wins out and he falls asleep. ]

[While Bruce rests, Pepper stays true to her word. It does her some good too, to spend an afternoon on simpler tasks like scrubbing the laboratory clean. She should get used to being in an environment like this again, be able to visit her employees and her friends without having to work up the nerve because she knows Tony won't be there.

Whether or not she's achieved that in the handful of hours it takes her to get everything spotless remains to be seen—but there's no denying that she does feel a little better when it's over.

After that, she heads upstairs to change, quietly checking on Bruce's status with JARVIS before heading towards the kitchen. She doesn't know what he actually likes to eat, but given how ragged and worn he'd been, something light would probably be better. Soup is meant to be one of those comfort foods, harkening back to easier days, and more importantly, it keeps well even if it has to cook for awhile. She opts for a simple potato and corn chowder, figuring Bruce can raid the fridge if he decides he wants to add any sort of meat to the mix.

With that left on the stove, she settles down on the couch; business never sleeps, and Pepper means to catch up on what she's missed during these quiet afternoon hours. Intentions don't always work out, however, and without quite meaning to, Pepper dozes off with visual displays of emails and memos floating around her—although JARVIS does take the liberty of dimming them a bit.]

[ Bruce isn't sure exactly how many hours he ends up sleeping. He knows it takes him a while to settle into a comfortable position, like his bed's too hard in some places, too soft in others, too warm when he tucks the blankets past his shoulders. He shifts and turns for a good while before he forces himself to stop, and focuses on breathing exercises instead, slowing down his entire system by slowing down his inhales and exhales, as well as the beating of his own heart.

That's probably enough to get JARVIS thinking he really is fast asleep, while in reality it takes longer for him to manage that. His sleep his peaceful for the most part, probably due to how exhausted he was, but the tail end of it is plagued by a vague dream, flashes of memories of Tony falling from the sky, of his body still and cold in Bruce's arms, and he wakes up with a gasp that almost hurts.

His eyes snap open, and the next second he forces himself to sit up, like he's scared that if he lingers, he won't be able to peel his body off the mattress. His body feels heavy but he makes himself move anyway, getting into some decent-looking clothes and fixing up his hair a little before he ventures outside.

He thinks of calling Pepper at first, but instead he asks JARVIS where she is, and he makes his way over there. Being her private quarters, he asks JARVIS to let her know he's coming upstairs, then hopes she doesn't mind that he's already on his way and should pop up any moment now.

Not that he has anything of worth to tell her, but he did promise he'd come by once he woke up, so. ]

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